Comes from the deepest heart

Hey, I do not know why this week could be said to be the week 'troubled' I. I am not a perfect woman, I am just an ordinary woman who was 15 years old and was in 2nd grade high school (IPA). Actually, I just want to make my parents happy, but somehow there was just a million problems that confront me to achieve it. Maybe this is what people often say that teenagers like me were 'looking for identity'. Well, that's true and I am very aware now. That made me realize was a friend of mine. He said that I was too serious in learning, too much thinking about things that did not matter (that in his opinion). But that's me. I was just a kid who wants to be happy, wants to be loved, want to feel the beauty of life but it is hampered by something called 'LESSONS'. It made me feel being in prison. I seems like a confined inmate. Or it could say that I stuck in my own world of free really. Can you imagine that? Creepy? Hhhh, I can only tell by the writing that I make this. I am not a person who likes to be something that is long-winded. I want everything perfectly achieved. Could all that? I do not think HAHAHAHA. Moreover I have failed in my major subjects. AAARGHHHH !!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to die. Want to hang myself, but I still have faith. I don't wanna die just because of that, but what can i do? I can only cry in the middle of the night when I was on the 'top' to the stress of me. All I can resigned it all to ALLAH. I'm sure ALLAH. Only by praying to ALLAH I can feel the serenity, peace. It's up if ENGKAU want to say I'm whining. But can you experience what I experienced? There will be no one who can understand my feelings right now. I do not understand why everybody can smile over the sadness that he experienced. I'm not like that. I'M NOT THAT. Mom, I just want to make you smile for me. But if I just pass it the class values you can smile and be proud of me? YA ALLAH I return all this to ALLAH, I was trying hard, but if this is what YOU give replies, I have received. Maybe because I am not a good kid. Yes, all do need a process. Being a successful person needs to process. Just like cooking. I do not know how long this process ends. I've lived so long in the process myself. But until now I do not know when all this will end. I want to be a strong woman, just had tears that I spend for this. Enough of all the sadness that I experienced because of this. I want to end it all, but how?

Can you imagine my activities? People say that enough time for sleep is 8 hours. I do not reach it. Every day. I'm afraid if I'm stupid?? or something. I felt I was always unlucky in test grades. I do not know why. Hhhh, only songs that can entertain me. That, that's it.